ALLAN'S JOKE COLLECTION

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THE ART OF TELLING JOKES
Joke telling is an art. The first thing you have to learn is to remember simple jokes. I will try to limit this collection to simple jokes. The next step is to connect the joke with a key word. Then, when you hear the key word, you will remember the joke. When you are involved in a conversation, listen for the key words. They should trigger your memory and you should be able to re-tell a simple joke that goes with that key word. For example, the word envelope should trigger the joke about 3 envelopes. Have fun. Allan
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  • MY PROFILE

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  • PSYCHOLOGY HUMOR


    THE HUSBAND STORE
    A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

    There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

    On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

    The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

    The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

    The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

    The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely goodlooking.

    "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

    The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

    "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

    The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

    "Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

    The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

    Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day
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    GOLDBERG KNOWS EVERYONE
    Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?"

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.

    "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

    At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square. Then Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?"
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    HENNY YOUNGMAN JOKES (king of the one-liners)
    (a) Take my wife...Please.
    (b) I have all the money I'll need for the rest of my life provided I die before 3PM today.
    (c) I played Civil War golf; out in 61, back in 65!
    (d) You can imagine how much money I have. My banker knocked on my door and asked for his calendar back.
    (e) I got a brother-in-law..I don't say he's a thief..He finds things before people lose them.
    (f) One day I played a horse so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
    (g) I'll never forget my first words in the theater, "Peanuts, Popcorn!"
    (h) Psychiatrist to patient says, "What do you do for a living?" The guy says, "I'm an auto mechanic." Psychiatrist says, "Get under the couch."
    (i) I've got a great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. The guy couldn't pay the bill so he gave him another six months.
    (j) I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
    (k) My doctor says I must give up those intimate dinners for two unless I have someone eating with me.
    (l) A doctor advises his patient to stop smoking. He says, "As long as you're quitting, I'll give you $5 for your gold lighter.
    (m) Cancer stops smoking.
    (n) Doctor leaving his crowded office to go out to move his car, said to his patients, "Don't anybody get better. I'll be right back."
    (o) I solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.
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    WOODY ALLEN JOKES
    (a) Comedy is when you slip on a banana, Tragedy is when I slip on a banana.
    (b) The NY Times is a dirty yellow rag. And that's just the sports section.
    (c) If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think he's evil. But the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
    (d) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
    (e) I don't have a problem with death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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    YOGI BERRA QUOTES
    (a) In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are different.
    (b) A nickel aint worth a dime anymore.
    (c) On seeing an old Steve McQueen movie: "He's looking good. He must have made this one before he died."
    (d) No one goes into that restaurant anymore because it's too crowded.
    (e) When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
    (f) Always go to other peoples funerals or they won't come to yours.
    (g) "I didn't really say everything I said."--Yogi Berra
    (h) "The similarities between and my father are different."--Dale Berra(son)
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    GEORGE BERNARD SHAW JOKE
    GBS went up to a lady at a party and asked her if she would have sex with him for a million dollars. She said: Yes. Then he said: How about one dollar? She said: What do you think I am? He said: We have established what you are. Now we are just dickering about the price.
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    TOMMY SMOTHERS JOKE
    Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you.
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    CONAN O'BRIEN JOKES
    (a) Scientists have announced that they've located the gene for alcoholism. They said they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
    (b) In a new interview, Uma Thurman says that when she wants to lose weight, she keeps her food intake down by eating in the nude. Actually, I tried that once but I was kicked out of Denny's.
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    PAT PAULSEN JOKE
    All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
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    RED SKELTON MARRIAGE JOKES
    (a) Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
    (b) We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.
    (c) I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
    (d) I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
    (e) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
    (f) She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
    (g) My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
    (h) She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
    (i) She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
    (j) Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
    (k) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
    (l) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
    (m) The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
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    RODNEY DANGERFIELD JOKE
    I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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    GROUCHO MARX JOKE
    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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    GEORGE BURNS JOKE
    During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

    "That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?" "Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

    "So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

    "Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

    "Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"

    "Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

    At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

    Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

    The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
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    PRESIDENT BUSH JOKE
    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
    His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks..."How many is a brazillion???"
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    DOCTOR VISIT JOKE
    Doctor: Madam, have you ever been X-rayed?
    Patient: No, but I have been ultraviolated.
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    STEVE ALLEN JOKES (THE QUESTION MAN)
    1. A: 33 and 1/3, 45, 78.
    Q: What are the measurements of your unmarried sister?

    2. A: Thor.
    Q: How do you feel after thitting all day on a thaddle horse?

    3. A: Chief Crazy Horse.
    Q: Name an Indian nut.

    4. A: They all laughed when he announced that he had invented the cotton gin.
    Q: Why did everyboy laugh at Eli Schwartz?

    5. A: U. C. L. A.
    Q: What do you see when the smog lifts?

    6. A: A shot in the dark.
    Q: What is a very difficult way to give penicillin?

    7. A: Washington Irving.
    Q: Who was the first president of the U. S., Sam?

    8. A: Bats in the belfry.
    Q: Where is Bat Masterson hiding?

    9. A: A magnetic pole.
    Q: What would you call a Don Juan from Warsaw?

    10. A: Physical Ed.
    Q: Who is the strongest man on campus?

    11. A: Medieval.
    Q: How do you describe a person who is only half bad?

    12. A: Public Speaking.
    Q: How does Oswald Public answer his telephone?

    13. A: Samuel Pepys.
    Q: How does Sam know so much about everyone else's business?

    14. A: Empty Saddles.
    Q: What would you call a pair of discarded black and white Oxfords?

    15. A: It tastes good like a cigarette should.
    Q: Why are you eating that cigarette?

    16. A: Vanguard 1, Jupiter 2.
    Q: What was the final score of the Vanguard-Jupiter game?

    17. A: Los Angeles Dodgers.
    Q: How would you describe the pedestrians in Los Angeles?

    18. A: George Washington slept here.
    Q: What are all those cherry pits doing in my bed?

    19. A: My cup runneth over.
    Q: How did all that thlop get in the thalt?

    20. A: Dr. Livingston, I Presume.
    Q: What is your full name, Dr. Presume?

    21. A: Nine W.
    Q: Mr. Wagner, do you spell your last name with a V? (W pronounced as a V)

    22. A: Nikon.
    Q: What is the opposite of Nikoff?

    23. A: Women and children first.
    Q: How would I organize a lion hunt?
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    BASIC CHICKEN JOKE
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: He wanted to get to the other side.
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    SECOND CHICKEN JOKE
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: He wanted to show the squirrel/frog/armadillo that it could be done.
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    MODIFIED CHICKEN JOKE
    Q: Why did the Mormon cross the road?
    A: He wanted to get to the other bride.
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    WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
    BARACK OBAMA - The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
    JOHN MCCAIN - My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogs with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
    SARAH PALIN - The chicken had to cross the road because he was not able to find a bridge. Alaskans do not build bridges to nowhere. If he wanted a bridge, he'd have to build it himself.
    SAEED AL SAHAF (BAGDAD BOB) - Iraqi Head of Information - The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
    GEORGE W BUSH - We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
    COLIN POWELL - Now on the lefthand side of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
    TONY BLAIR - I agree with George.
    HANS BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
    DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
    GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
    TRICIA - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.
    JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
    ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
    KARL MARX - It was an historic inevitability.
    RONALD REAGAN - What chicken?
    SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
    BILL GATES - eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
    BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........reboot.
    ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
    THE BIBLE - And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.
    COLONEL SANDERS - Did I miss one?
    HOMER SIMPSON - Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
    TOM BROKAW - Bulletin: We interupt this program to report that a chicken has crossed the road. Details at 11PM.
    HILLARY CLINTON - When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
    DR. PHIL - The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
    OPRAH WINFREY - Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
    ANDERSON COOPER (CNN) - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
    JOHN KERRY - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
    NANCY GRACE - That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
    PAT BUCHANAN - To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
    MARTHA STEWART - No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
    ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die in the rain. Alone.
    JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
    BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
    BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
    AL GORE - I invented the chicken!
    DICK CHENEY - Where's my gun?
    AL SHARPTON - Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
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    FAMOUS WORDS OF WISDOM
    SHARON STONE: Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
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    ROBIN WILLIAMS: Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
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    BARBARA BUSH: Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
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    TIGER WOODS: Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
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    BILLY CRYSTAL: Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
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    ROD STEWART:Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
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    PUZZLE EXPERT JOKE
    An puzzle-maker decided to test a puzzle-expert. He invited the expert to a special room to give him a puzzle test. The expert sat down in a chair in the room facing a curtain. The puzzle-maker pulled aside the curtain revealing seven nude women lined up in a row. Some women were showing their front side and some were showing their backside. The sequence was back, front, back, front, back, back, back. The puzzle-maker asked the expert to explain the arrangement he was looking at. After thinking it over, the expert finally said it was the William Tell Overture. The puzzle-maker asked him to explain his answer. The expert said "Rump, Titty, Rump, Titty, Rump, Rump, Rump".
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    MALE/FEMALE JOKE
    Male: Your body is like a temple.
    Female: Yes, but there are no services today.
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    STUDENT/TEACHER JOKE
    Teacher: Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
    Student: I don't know and I don't care.
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    SHOW ME JOKES
    (a) Show me where Stalin is buried and I will show you a communist plot.
    (b) Show me a country with light red cars and I will show you a pink carnation. (Joke from Soupy Sales.)
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    DUMMY JOKE
    Why did the dummy cut a hole in the rug? He wanted to see the floor show.
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    KNOCK, KNOCK JOKES
    (a)Knock, knock. Who's there? Fortification. Fortification who?
    For the vacation I go to the Catskills.

    (b)Knock, Knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who?
    Some enchanted evening...(sing it!)...You will see a stranger...

    (c)Knock, Knock. Who's there? Mayonaise. Mayonaise who?
    Mayonaise have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!
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    NEW YORK CITY JOKE
    How does a New York City woman get rid of cockroaches?
    She asks them for a committment.
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    VIAGRA JOKE
    A large batch of Viagra has been recently been stolen. Police are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.
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    LIGHT BULB JOKE
    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one. But the light bulb has to want to change.
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    DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JOKE
    What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
    When it's erotic, you use a feather.
    When it's kinky, you use the whole chicken.
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    PLAYBOY MAGAZINE CARTOON
    A man with wings and a halo is sitting on a cloud up in heaven reading 3 books:
    (a) I was OK, you were OK.
    (b) You were what you ate.
    (c) The joy of having had sex.
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    SNAIL and TORTISE JOKES
    (a) A snail and a tortise had a big fight. Some time later, friends of the snail
    asked him what happened.
    SNAIL: I can't remember. It was all over so quickly!

    (b) A snail climbed on top of a tortise to get a free ride.
    SNAIL: Talk about fast! Wheee!
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    GENIE JOKE#1
    A woman is walking on a beach and finds a bottle in the sand. She rubs the sand off the bottle and a Genie pops out. She says "Oh, I get 3 wishes!" "No," says the Genie. "I am a one wish genie. You only get one wish. What is your wish?" The woman reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a map of the Middle East. She says "This area of the world has too much conflict. The Arabs and the Jews hate each other. I want you to go there and fix this problem. Get them to be friends." The Genie says "Wow, lady. That wish is too much to ask even from a genie like me. Give me an easier wish." So the woman says "Okay, I'm looking for the perfect guy. One who will love me, stick with me and be a life partner." "Hold it! Hold it!" says the Genie. "Let me look at that map again!"
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    GENIE JOKE#2
    A man is walking on a beach and finds a bottle in the sand. He rubs the sand off the bottle and a Genie pops out. He says "Oh, I get 3 wishes!" "No," says the Genie. "I am a one wish genie. You only get one wish. What is your wish?" The man says "I don't like to fly by airplane or travel by boat. So build me a bridge from SanFrancisco to Hawaii so that I can drive there." The Genie says "Gee, mister. That wish is too much to ask even from a genie like me. Give me an easier wish." So the man says "Okay, I'm looking for the perfect woman. One who will love me, stick with me and be a wonderful wife." "Hold it! Hold it!" says the Genie. "How many lanes?
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    GENIE JOKE#3
    A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! He's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two guys back in the office after lunch."
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    GENIE JOKE#4
    Three men are stranded on a small deserted island. The group consists of an Israeli guy, an Italian guy and a Polish guy. One day, while walking along the beach, they find a bottle in the sand. One guy picks up the bottle and brushes off the sand. A Genie pops out of the bottle and says "I will grant you each one wish. What is your wish?" The Israeli guy says "I have not been to Jerusalem to pray to my God at the Wailing Wall for a long time. That's where I want to be." Whoosh. The Israeli guy is sent to Jerusalem. The Genie speaks to the Italian guy. "How about you? What is your wish?" The Italian guy says "I have not had meatballs and spaghetti in Rome for a long time. I wish I was there now!" Whoosh. The Italian guy is transported to Rome. Finally, the Genie looks at the Polish guy and says "Well, what is your wish?" The Polish guy says "It's very lonely here. Could you bring my two friends back?"
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    GENIE JOKE#5
    A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf. Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique lamp was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that lamp and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding," he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
    ------------------------------------------------
    SHERLOCK HOLMES JOKE
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

    Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

    "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
    -----------------------------------------------
    COWBOY JOKE
    An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

    The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
    ------------------------------------------
    SOCIAL SECURITY JOKE
    After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

    The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me!" and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
    -----------------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#1
    A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on along flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!" figuring that if since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment until she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say aword, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her the $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
    -------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#2
    The blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.

    She stopped, looked skyward, and said, IS THAT YOU LORD? The voice replied, NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#3
    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex..Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#4
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#5
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#6
    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#7
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#8 What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#9
    Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#10
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#11
    Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
    They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the tree called in sick.
    ---------------------------------------
    BLONDE JOKE#12
    Two factory workers were talking.
    "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man. "How do you think you will do that?" said the blonde.
    He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
    "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
    "Home. I can't work in the dark".
    ----------------------------------------
    FUNERAL JOKE
    Four friends get together and happen to discuss last requests before death. One man tells the group that he believes he will need money in the afterlife to pay off some of the people he will meet up in heaven. He requests that the other three men place some money in his casket. It turns out that this man does die first and the other three men, a priest, a minister and a rabbi attend his funeral. While the casket is open, and the three men are standing around it, the priest puts in a ten dollar bill and the minister puts in another ten dollar bill. The rabbi notices the two ten dollar bills and writes out a check for $30. He puts the check in the casket and takes out the two ten dollar bills.
    -------------------------------------------------
    CONFESSION JOKE
    A man goes to church to confess his sin of having sex with a married woman. Before the priest can give him absolution, the priest says he must reveal the name of the woman he was involved with. The man refuses to tell.
    Priest: Was it Mrs. Watson?
    Man: No.
    Priest: Was it Mrs. Jones?
    Man: No.
    Priest: Was it Mrs. O'Flahrety?
    Man: No.
    Priest: Well then, I cannot give you absolution now. But come back when you are ready to reveal the name and I will do it.
    The man leaves and meets his friends outside the church. They ask him if he received absolution from the priest.
    Man: No. But I got three new leads.
    -----------------------------------------------
    IRISH PRIEST JOKE
    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He says, "Father, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," says the priest.
    The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
    -----------------------------------------------
    CLINTON-GORE JOKE
    Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the Great White Throne. God addresses Al first.
    "Al, what do you believe in?"
    Gore replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."
    God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
    God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
    Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
    God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
    God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
    "I believe you're in my chair."
    ------------------------------------------------
    AIRPLANE JOKE
    A group of people at the airport board a new airplane and notice that there is no pilot. Once the doors are shut, a voice is heard over the loud speaker system.
    Voice: Do not be alarmed by the lack of a pilot. You are passengers on the newest totally automated airplane. The operation of the plane is computer controlled with the aid of an artificial intelligence progam. Your safety is guaranteed. Every possible event has been taken into account and nothing can go wrong, nothing can go wrong, nothing can go wrong, nothing can go..#@%&@*#!*$...
    ----------------------------------------------
    ALGEBRA JOKE
    At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
    ----------------------------------------------
    SPY JOKE...Told by President Reagan
    At a meeting held at the CIA. an undercover agent is told to go to a small town in Ireland and meet another undercover agent named Murphy. The identifying sentence would be "It's a fine day, but it will be even better later on." The secret agent is to reply with "Tomorrow it's going to rain." The CIA agent gets to the town in Ireland and visits a local pub where he talks to the bartender.
    Agent: I'm looking for a man named Murphy.
    Bartender: Well, there's Murphy the Farmer, Murphy the bootmaker and, as it happens, my name is Murphy.
    Agent: It's a fine day, but it will be even better later on.
    Bartender: Oh, you're looking for Murphy the spy!
    --------------------------------------------
    THREE ENVELOPES JOKE
    An smart MBA type guy is appointed the president of a small company. Under his management, the company is doing well. After a year, there is downturn in the economy and the board of directors fires him and hires a new person to run the company. One day the new president meets the old president as he is getting ready to leave.

    Old Pres: I want to help you out in case you run into difficulties running this company. So I have placed three envelopes, numbered 1, 2 and 3 in the top drawer of your desk. The first time something goes wrong, open the envelope #1. The second time there is a problem go to envelope #2. And if there is a third problem, reach for envelope #3.

    New Pres: Thanks for you help.

    Things are going fine for the new president until the first economic downturn occurs. He reaches for the first envelope. Inside it says "Reorganize". So he switches the staff positions and business picks up.

    At the next business downturn, he reaches for the second envelope. Inside it says "Fire some people, hire replacements." So he studies the productivity of the staff, fires a few employees and hires some new men. Business picks up and things are going fine.

    At the third business downturn, he opens the third envelope. Inside it says "Prepare three envelopes."
    ------------------------------------------
    DIARY JOKE
    Dear Diary:
    MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening as the Captain asked me to dine at his table.
    TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He is so charming.
    WEDNESDAY: The Captain made several proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.
    THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!
    FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives... twice
    ---------------------------------------
    COFFEE JOKE
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS"
    ------------------------------------
    FLOWER JOKE
    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
    ------------------------------------
    THE ELBOW JOKE (THE VISIT)
    Becky's grandson and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to her flat. "You come to the front door of the Golfers Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button 32. I will buzz you in. Then come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You're coming empty handed?"
    -----------------------------------
    OLD POLISH JOKE
    Pole#1: I'm going to Krakow to get some meat.
    Pole#2: But the only place you can get meat is in Warsaw.
    Pole#1: Yes. But the end of the line is in Krakow.
    -----------------------------------
    NEW POLISH JOKE
    A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.
    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am.
    But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
    The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
    With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish, just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
    The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
    ----------------------------------
    THE HAT JOKE (VALUE OF A JEWISH EDUCATION)
    Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it. A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi.

    The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him.

    The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars.

    After the races the young man returns home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of TOP-HAT running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1, the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being TOP-HAT, I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by 5 lengths."

    "You must have made a fortune," said the father.
    "Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of STETSON was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. STETSON being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse." "What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse STETSON won and I collected big money." "You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father. "No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named CHATEAU so I bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last."

    "Hat in French is CHAPEAU not CHATEAU" said the father. "You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway?"

    "A long shot Japanese horse named YAMAKA."
    -------------------------------------------
    JEWISH MOTHER JOKE
    The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'
    'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'
    'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
    'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?' 'Oh Mom' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York .'
    'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
    So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.
    'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?' The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
    Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor.'
    ------------------------------------------------
    WAR JOKE
    The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
    "This is Mendel in Tel Aviv. We're officially declaring war on you!"
    "How big is your army?" the president asked.
    "There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!"
    "I have a million in my army," said the president.
    "I'll call back!" said Mendel.
    The next day he called. "The var's still on!" We have now a bulldozer, Goldblatt's
    tractor. Plus the canasta team!"
    "I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million."
    "Oy gevalt!", said Mendel. "I'll call back."
    He phoned the next day. "We're calling off the var"
    "Why?", asked the president.
    "Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
    -------------------------------------------------
    THE CELIBATE JOKE
    The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he meets Saint Peter. His first request is to go to the Heaven Library to review the ancient scriptures. Saint Peter tells him that the books he read on earth were mostly correct, but there were a few errors in translation. Saint Peter points out the path to the Library and the Pope goes on his way. After a few hours, Saint Peter hears some terrible screams and loud noises coming from the Library. He runs to the Library to see if the Pope is alright. When he gets there he hears the Pope shouting "Jesus Christ! The correct word was celebrate!"
    --------------------------------------------
    TALKING DOG JOKE
    Morty visits the veterinarian and says, "My dog, has a problem." The vet says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem." "Well, before I tell you the problem, you should know he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty. "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks. "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!" Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real, for all you care!" The vet is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what could be the problem?" Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'".
    ---------------------------------------------
    SCHOOL BUS DRIVER JOKE
    A yellow school bus comes to a stop at an intersection where a policeman is standing. He notices that the bus is full of penguins. He waves to the driver and says "The penguins don't belong on a school bus! Take those penguins to the zoo." The bus driver says "OK" and drives off. The next day, the school bus arrives at the same corner and the policeman sees that the bus is still full of penguins wearing sunglasses. The policeman says "Didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?" The bus driver say "Yes, and today I'm taking them to the beach!"
    ----------------------------------------------
    INDIAN TRIBE JOKE
    A long time ago, a group of anthropologists were wandering in a relatively deserted area of the western United States. At one point in their travels, they came across a new Indian tribe they had not heard about before. The lead anthropologist walked over to one of the indians and said "What is the name of your tribe?" He answered, "The Fugawe." The anthropologist did not recognize the name, so he asked the indian how the tribe got it's name. The indian said that one day, while wandering over the terrain, we realized that we were lost. The Chief of the tribe ascended a nearby hill to try to figure out where we were. He looked North, South, East and West and then he shouted "We're the Fugawe!" And that's how we got our name...(Amelia Earhart said the same thing in 1937!)
    ----------------------------------------------
    ARMY JOKE
    A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major Sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

    The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

    She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
    ----------------------------------------------
    LOST HAT JOKE
    A grandmother took her toddler grandson to the beach where he played at the water's edge. She sat nearby knitting and while distracted by this activity, lost track of him briefly. A huge wave came in and knocked him down and carried him out in the undertow. The woman cried out for the people present to save him. Two or three men jumped into some nearby rowboats and after going far out finally found the child and retrieved him, resuscitated him, and then laid him in his grandmother's arms. "Oh, thank you, thank you," she said and then added, "but he had a little hat."
    ----------------------------------------------
    THE MENTAL HOSPITAL JOKE
    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
    ----------------------------------------------
    THE LAWYER JOKE
    The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

    "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

    "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

    And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
    ---------------------------------------------
    THE PICASSO JOKE
    Mrs Stein a rich tourist goes to Paris to see the art galeries. She hired the services of a guide to show her around the Orsay Museum. "Oh!" said Mrs Stein looking at a painting, "That's a Monet isn't it?" "No Madame, almost, it's a Manet." replied the guide. "And that one, it's a Pissaro!" "Er... no I'm sorry Madame that's a Monet." "Oh, I see. Now that one that's a Picasso." ".... no Madame, that's a Mirror."
    ----------------------------------------------
    THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL JOKE
    The following is an actual exam question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell Exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief using Boyle's Law (Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate that they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, then Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having that event take place, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

    This student received the only 'A' in the class.
    ----------------------------------
    ART THIEF JOKE
    A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings....I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
    And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this joke. Well, what can I say..... I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
    ----------------------------------
    POTATO JOKE
    Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......A COMMONTATER!!!
    --------------------------------
    HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029
    1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .
    2. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
    3. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
    4. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
    5. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
    6. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
    7. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
    8. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
    9. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
    10. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
    11. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
    12. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
    13. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
    14. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States
    15. Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
    16. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
    17. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
    18. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
    19. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 .
    20. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
    21. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
    --------------------------------------------
    ENGINEERING JOKES
    Engineer Joke #1
    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."
    ----------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#2
    To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
    -----------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#3
    A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
    The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"
    The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him."
    He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
    The group fell silent for a moment.
    The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    ----------------------------------
    Engineer Joke #4
    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
    Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.
    ----------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#5
    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
    -----------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#6
    Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
    The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body."
    The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
    --------------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#7
    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
    --------------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#8
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
    Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
    ----------------------------------------
    Engineer Joke#9
    Unfortunately, the angel manning the assignment desk, that day, was rather incompetent, and the engineer was erroneously sent to Hell.
    The engineer didn't like Hell, at all. It was extremely hot, stank of burning brimstone, and was knee-deep in a lake of excrement.
    The engineer immediately got to work. He designed, and installed, plumbing and drainage, air conditioning, and ventilation. Each was a dramatic improvement. Naturally, the engineer maintained them.
    Eventually, God did an accounting, and realized that Heaven was short a soul. He called Satan, in Hell.
    "Satan, I have become aware that one of my souls, an engineer, was erroneously sent to Hell. I want you to return him to me."
    Satan said, "I have been in Hell for eons, and it was always a horrible place. Since the engineer installed his improvements, it has become much more pleasant. I need him, to maintain his systems. I refuse to return him to you."
    God: "You have to return him!"
    Satan: "No way!"

    God: "I'll sue!"
    Satan: "Oh, yeah? Where will you get a lawyer?"
    -----------------------------------------------
    JESUS AND THE TAILOR JOKE
    Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

    He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: 'No, no,no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'

    Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

    A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

    He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?'

    'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.'

    'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein. 'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two of them debated this for some time.

    Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: LORD and TAYLOR
    ------------------------------------------
    JEWISH HUMOR
    You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? But don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.

    * A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

    * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

    * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

    * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

    * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a water bed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

    * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    * I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

    * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

    * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

    * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

    * A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. ; The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

    * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

    * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

    * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

    *Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

    1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

    2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus i s not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

    3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

    4. Q: Have you se en the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

    5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

    6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

    7. A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

    8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. " The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

    9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

    10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody"

    11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

    12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

    13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

    14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
    ----------------------------------------------------
    FIRST GRADER JOKE
    (Are you smarter than a First Grader?)
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
    --------------------------------------------------------------
    WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE JOKE
    My wife and I were watching the TV Program "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
    were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No!" she answered.
    Then I said, "Is that your final answer?"
    "Yes!" she replied.
    Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
    That's the last thing I remember.
    ---------------------------------------------
    DAVID LETTERMAN-TALIBAN HUMOR
    TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN
    10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
    9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
    8. You have more wives than teeth.
    7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
    6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
    5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
    4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
    3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
    2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
    And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
    1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
    ---------------------------------------------
    ANAGRAM HUMOR
    Re-arrange the letters:
    DORMITORY:=DIRTY ROOM
    PRESBYTERIAN:=BEST IN PRAYER
    ASTRONOMER:=MOON STARER
    DESPERATION:=A ROPE ENDS IT
    THE EYES:=THEY SEE
    GEORGE BUSH:=HE BUGS GORE
    THE MORSE CODE:=HERE COME DOTS
    SLOT MACHINES:=CASH LOST IN ME
    ANIMOSITY:=IS NO AMITY
    ELECTION RESULTS:=LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
    SNOOZE ALARMS:=ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
    A DECIMAL POINT:=I'M A DOT IN PLACE
    THE EARTHQUAKES:=THAT QUEER SHAKE
    ELEVEN PLUS TWO:=TWELVE PLUS ONE
    MOTHER-IN-LAW:=WOMAN HITLER
    ---------------------------------------------
    GIVING MORE THAN 100%
    This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
    Then:

    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K adds up to 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
    and
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E adds up to 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
    But,
    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E adds up to 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
    and,
    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T adds up to 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
    and, look how far ass kissing will take you.
    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G adds up to 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
    --------------------------------------------------
    SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
    A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
    A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
    A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
    A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
    A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
    A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
    A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
    A snail can sleep for three years.
    Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
    All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
    Almonds are a member of the peach family.
    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
    Butterflies taste with their feet.
    Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
    "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
    February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
    In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
    If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
    If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
    It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
    Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
    Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
    No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
    On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
    Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
    Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
    Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
    "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
    The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
    The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.
    The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
    The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
    The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
    The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
    There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
    There are more chickens than people in the world.
    There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
    There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
    There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
    Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
    TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
    Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
    Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
    Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
    Okay.................Now you know everything
    -----------------------------------------------